I’m pretty sure my tutor thinks I’m gay. And by pretty sure, I mean 99.9%. Not that I have a problem with her thinking I’m gay, that’s cool. I’m not though. Gay I mean. I’m not straight either. I don’t think anyway. So what does that leave me with? Bisexual? Nope. Not that either. But I’m also certainly not asexual. So what am I?
I guess the closest thing is pansexual, which means that you can have sexual feelings towards anyone, but then again, why do I need to label myself? Why can’t i just be… me? I’m currently with a bloke (I refuse to call him my boyfriend unless I have to, the word is so cringe-inducing) but I still have strong sexual feelings towards other men, mainly those completely unobtainable and I would say even stronger sexual feelings towards women. (This sounds like I’m constantly suffering from the raging horn and shagging everything that moves behind my bloke’s back- not true. I love my boyfriend and would never hurt him by cheating on him. But biology is biology, and you can’t help but look.) So, why have I chosen to be with a man? Simply, because when I met him, I really liked him. And now I love him. And that would be the same with any man, woman, transgender, transsexual, genderqueer person. If I wanted to go on a date with them, I would.
So, where do I go from here? How do I explain my feelings to friends and family? I don’t think I do. I attempted to explain my feelings to a friend once and the politest thing I can say was that he didn't understand. He said that if you’re with someone of the opposite sex, you’re straight, same sex then you’re gay. How completely black and white and dare I say, ignorant? I've had similar reactions from other people, so I've given up trying to explain and no longer voice my opinion when people discuss sexuality. And telling my family? Forget it. Not going to happen. If the time comes that I need to introduce a new lover to them, be it a woman, man, transsexual or anyone, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.
The more i think about it, the more I realise that I’m in the closet.
What a lonely place to be.
